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List:       humorix
Subject:    [humorix] Google Announces Search Engine Entering Beta
From:       James Baughn <jbaughn () ldd ! net>
Date:       2005-07-08 0:32:34
Message-ID: 42CDC9A2.7010305 () ldd ! net
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Google Announces Search Engine Entering Beta
July 7, 2005

SILLYCON VALLEY -- During a press conference at Google
Auditorium #5 (the one next to the climbing wall gym), the
management of Google made an unexpected announcement that will
shake the Internet to its core routers: the Google search
engine has finally emerged from Alpha testing and is now
considered a Beta product.

"After extensive testing over the last decade, we are pleased
to announce that Google Search has earned the rank of Beta and
will enter its final Q&A phases, expected to last until 2012,"
boasted Mr. Dewno Eville, Google's Director of Public
Relations.

The crowd sat motionless for several awkward seconds until
somebody timidly asked, "Does this mean the world's most
popular search engine has been merely an Alpha product all this
time?"

"Yes... yes it has," Eville responded matter-of-factly.

"This is a joke, right?" asked a reporter.

"No."

"You're absolutely positive about this?" asked another
reporter.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Really with a cherry on top?"

"Yes, dammit, really!"

"There's got to be a typo in your announcement.  Are you sure?"

"Yes, do I need to break out my trusty cluestick and beat you
all over the head?  Repeat after me: BETA BETA BETA BETA BETA
BETA!!!"

Everybody in the audience was too stunned to repeat after him.
After several more seconds of head scratching and picking jaws
off the floor by the audience, another reporter demanded, "So
let me get this straight.  For the last decade, Google has been
running a scam designed to fool people into relying on a
service that was not considered ready for prime-time by its own
developers and contains countless bugs and problems.  Right?"

"Uh... I fail to see the problem.  After all, the same strategy
has worked beautifully for Microsoft.  I mean... who in their
right mind would ever rate Windows as Beta, much less
Production, quality?"

After some tentative laughter from the crowd, Eville quickly
jumped into the rest of his announcement.  "As part of the
promotion to Beta status, we are pleased to reveal several new
features for Google Search.  As you've no doubt noticed, the
existing search engine has been rather Spartan -- what you
would expect from an Alpha product that is not fully finished.
Well, that's about to change."

Eville whipped out a laser pointer and started pointing at a
large screen behind him.  "This is a screenshot of Google Beta,
to be released to the public later today.  One, you'll notice
all of the new links on the homepage: Travel Deals, Online
Casinos, Mortgage Refinancing, Discount Cigarettes, Canadian
Prescription Drugs, etc. We're striving to provide convenient
links to the information that most users want, all in the name
of enhancing their Google experience."

"More importantly, we're going to slowly minimize the
importance of our PageRank(tm) ranking system, which has not
performed to our expectations during the Alpha period.
Instead, the Beta version now features PayRank(tm), which ranks
sites based on the number of shares of Google stock that the
webmaster owns."

"But that's not all," he continued.  "Our search engine can now
crawl more than just web pages, it can spider spam emails
received by our Gmail users.  Now, if you're looking to reduce
your mortgage payments or enlarge certain body parts, Google
search will take you straight to the best deals plucked from
the latest spam.  Our patent-pending system is able to
seemlessly convert the gibberish used by most spammers into
plain English, all in the name of enhanching your Google
experience."

"And last but not least, Google is now unveiling it's latest
achievement: a computer system containing over one googol bytes
of information about every user who has ever visited Google. We
know their names, their addresses, their shoe size, the day of
the week they prefer to go appliance shopping, their sexual
fetishes, their most common spelling errors, and many other
data mining opportunities that we can't reveal here."

"Did you honestly think our employees were devoting a portion
of their time for extra-curricular projects?  Yeah, right!
They've been hard at work on our "Google Online Database" (GOD)
system.  Armed with this exhaustive storehouse of knowledge, we
can deliver relevant search results before you even sit down at
the keyboard!  We know all, see all... but we're only going to
use our search domination powers for good, not evil."

Eville tried to bring the press conference to a close, but the
shocked and appalled members of the audience couldn't summon
the strength to leave.  Finally, he announced, "I've just been
told that there's free snacks for everybody in the Google
Gourmet Kitchen & Imported Wine Cellar #2."

He continued, "Oh, wait, let me explain how to get there.
First, go down this hall, turn left at the Stock Options
Printing Office, make a right at the World's Largest Vending
Machine Complex, then continue counter-clockwise around the
Indoor Zen Meditation Garden and through the Martial Arts
Training Room #3.  Then at the T-junction, turn right, and
proceed 125.239 meters until you reach the Gourmet Kitchen.
You can't miss it... If you have any trouble, go to a computer
console on the nearest wall and type 'Gourmet Kitchen 2' into a
Google Meatspace search box."

After the shock of the announcement wore off, many reporters
expressed outrage at Google while trying to find their way to
the free lunch.  Said one tech journalist after making a wrong
turn and getting lost in the Situational Narcissism
Contemplation Chamber, "Google didn't just jump the shark
today... they jumped three cruise ships and a small island!"

Said another reporter after finally reaching the destination 35
minutes later, "Between Google Search, Google Mail, Google
Maps, and Google News, I've become far more dependent on Google
than I ever was with Microsoft.  And that's downright scary."


--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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