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List:       humorix
Subject:    [humorix] There Is *NO* Neo-Con Conspiracy
From:       James Baughn <jbaughn () ldd ! net>
Date:       2005-07-05 23:34:30
Message-ID: 42CB1906.3040804 () ldd ! net
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There Is *NO* Neo-Con Conspiracy
July 5, 2005
By Michele Petrovsky, petrovsky.m@comcast.net

There is no conspiracy.  The Neo-Conservative Wing of
the Republican Party, the Brainwashing Wing of the FOX
Network, and the Evil Wing of Microsoft [1] have not
formed an alliance to achieve world domination.  There
is no dark, sinister plot by our media overlords to
brainwash the American public.  These rumors are simply
not true.

Well, actually, they might be.  We have, indeed,
received evidence of a massive GOP-FOX-MSFT trifecta.
But we don't want our media overlords to read the rest
of this story.  Thankfully, the average Neo-Con only
skims headlines and soundbites, while ignoring anything
of substance.  With our bogus headline and introduction,
the coast should now be clear to reveal Microsoft
Conspiracy Theory 2.59e17, the most diabolic conspiracy
theory in the history of diabolical conspiracy theories.

An anonymous source, code-named Deep Cache (not his real
code name), arranged a clandestine meeting with this
reporter at a location known only as "The Android's
Dungeon" (not its real code name).   While sucking on a
cigarette and hiding in the shadows, Deep Cache revealed
the conspiracy.

"Neo-Conservatives and Microsoft have united to pursue
their ghastly agenda," he said.  "It's a perfect match.
With some help from the media, the group has found the
perfect recipe for world domination."

I was very skeptical at first. After all, Microsoft
conspiracy theories are a dime a dozen.  Humorix has
used them as filler material for almost 7 years.  What I
needed was proof.

After seeing my negative reaction, Deep Cache thrashed
wildly and shouted, "Do I have to thunk it for you?
It's as plain as the tracks on your drive, dudette.
Microsoft has always wanted to control the world.  The
Neo-Cons  have always wanted to really, really control
the world.  They share the same agenda!  Can't you see?
The era of Plug-and-Play Politics is upon us!  They must
be stopped!  Do you want this country to end up as the
world's biggest buffer overflow?"

"Uh... no," I said, hoping to avoid another thrashing
episode.

"Come on, now -- don't tell me you can't see the
parallels in their processes.  It's so obvious!  Do I
have to draw you a picture?  OK, fine, I will!"

At this point Deep Cache made a sketch showing the
similarities between Microsoft and the Neo-Conservative
Movement.  It looked something like this:

Microserfs: Products require limitless resources to do a
mediocre job
Neo-Cons: Policies require limitless tax revenues to do
a mediocre job

Microserfs: Like to belittle thinking people who prefer
Open Source
Neo-Cons: Like to belittle thinking people, period

Microserfs: Constantly scheming to cut off the air
supply of competitors
Neo-Cons: Constantly scheming to cut off the oil supply
of enemies

Microserfs: Largest producer of hot air in the Pacific
Northwest
Neo-Cons: Largest producer of hot air in the world

Microserfs: Vaporware
Neo-Cons: Campaign promises

Microserfs: Offer $1,000 per disc software packages
Neo-Cons: Offer $1,000 per plate campaign dinners

Microserfs: Steve Ballmer
Neo-Cons: Rush Limbaugh

Microserfs: Always receive little more than a slap on
the wrist for anti-trust violations
Neo-Cons: Always receive little more than a slap on the
wrist for campaign finance violations

Microserfs: Bloated software includes everything but the
kitchen sink
Neo-Cons: Bloated legislation includes everything but
the Bill of Rights

Microserfs: The 800-lb gorilla of Washington State
Neo-Cons: The 800-lb gorilla of Washington, D.C.

Microserfs: Believe Sys-Con is fair and balanced
Neo-Cons: Believe FOX News is fair and balanced

Microserfs: Believe that their platform is the only
reasonable choice
Neo-Cons: Believe that their platform is the only
reasonable choice

After Deep Cache finished his demonstration, I asked,
"Well, what can be done?"

He then made another sketch, which he called "the first
salvo in a revolution that will rid the world of
pundit-speak." It was a crontab entry, like this:

30   19   *   *   5 /usr/bin/reframe_the_debate.php

I then asked Deep Cache whether it was wise to inform
the enemy that something intelligent, and therefore
threatening to them, would happen at 7:30 PM of every
Friday of every month.

He responded, "Not a problem!  They're so sure of their
hegemony, they'll dismiss it as just another instance of
'socialist esoterica.'  Either that, or they'll assume
it's an unflattering report that's being kept under the
radar by releasing it after everyone's gone home for the
weekend.  I call it the Purloined Letter approach to
information covert operations."

So what does reframe_the_debate.php actually do?  Deep
Cache evaded the question, but he finally spilled the
beans after I offered a bribe including a lifetime
supply of "Star Trek" books.  The answer, it turns out,
is rather ingenious.  The script hijacks the "crawl" on
the FOX News Channel to deliver subtle but subversive
comments to all Neo-Con viewers.

"We're pretty confident that the FOX network uses
Microsoft products.  We're very confident that these
Microsoft product include numerous security
vulnerabilities, which our script exploits to take
control of the ticker on the bottom of the screen. Then,
each week, we insert random subliminal messages about
freedom, democracy, and penguins.  Neo-Cons watch FNC
religiously and will happily consume these subversive
messages without realizing that they are slowly
undergoing a de-re-education program."

Among other subversive themes, the messages include
excerpts from the U.S. Constitution, including "Congress
shall make no law..." (1st Amendment) and "The right of
the people... shall not be violated" (4th Amendment).

Deep Cache concluded, "Most Neo-Cons have never read the
full text of the Constitution, instead relying on
15-second summaries and soundbites.  By dominating the
FOX crawl, we will quietly deliver the Bill of Rights
into the homes of millions, one bite-sized phrase at a
time.  This will do more for the future of intelligent
debate in this country than turning Rush Limbaugh,
Tucker Carlson, Ann Coulter, and Robert Novak over to
the Vogons."

A loud "Bwahahahahaha!" was heard as Deep Cache finally
slipped away into the underground.


[1] Editor's Note: When we say "Evil Wing of Microsoft",
we are, of course, referring to the whole company.


--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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