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List:       humorix
Subject:    [humorix] Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Microsoft Shareholder's Children?
From:       James Baughn <jbaughn () ldd ! net>
Date:       2000-06-07 20:59:46
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Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Microsoft Shareholder's
Children?
June 7, 2000

KANSAS CITY, MO -- The Evil Monopoly will soon be a duopoly
of MICROS~1 and MICROS~2 now that Judge Jackson has made
his ruling[1].  Geeks everywhere are shedding tears of joy,
while Microsoft investors are shedding real tears. But not
everybody is ecstatic about the ruling. "It dawned on me
today that if Microsoft is broken up, we won't have anyone
to bash anymore. We can have that," said Rob Graustein, the
founder of the new "Save Microsoft Now! Campaign".

Rob continued, "I know what you're thinking! I have not
been assimilated... er, hired... by Microsoft. I'm not
crazy. I haven't been paid off, either, although if Bill is
willing to send a billion my way I won't complain too
loudly. My life as a geek revolves around bashing
Microsoft. I mean, I own the world's largest collection of
anti-Microsoft T-shirts and underwear.  It's time to take a
stand against the elimination of Geek Enemy #1. Bashing the
MPAA, RIAA, Mattel, Amazon, USPTO, UniSys, DoubleClick,
Bank of America, and every other geek-crossing organization
just isn't as fulfilling as attacking Microsoft."

The Save Microsoft Now! Campaign has a total of two
members, but it is expected to grow in size. "When geeks
come to realize what life in a post-Microsoft world will be
like, they'll have no choice but to join our campaign and
demand that the Supreme Court overturn the Microsoft
breakup," said mother Edna Graustein.

Of course, the chances that this campaign will have an
impact are small. Rob admits this reality, and says, "If
Microsoft is ever broken up, I recommend that the geek
community pool their resources to support another fledgling
empire that we can then bash in the future. America Online
looks like a prime choice for evil-empire-to-be. And let's
not forget about VA Linux! They've got the News For Nerds
market all sowed up[2]."

Most observers agree that Mr. Graustein's brain has gone
404. "This guy is nuts! Support Microsoft? I can't believe
I'm hearing this. Even fake news sites couldn't make up
this kind of insanity."

(John Elfrink contributed to this report.)

[1] http://slashdot.org/articles/00/06/07/2015223.shtml
[2] http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=00/06/07/173231&cid=31
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