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List:       humorix
Subject:    [humorix] Slashdot To Include Warning Labels
From:       James Baughn <jbaughn () ldd ! net>
Date:       2002-05-12 21:00:35
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Slashdot To Include Warning Labels
May 12, 2002

HOLLAND, MICHIGAN -- In what some are calling an
"epidemic", medical scientists have discovered that heart
attack rates have shot up nearly 50% among geeks and nerds
during the past three years.  Other stress-related health
problems have also undergone disproportionate increases,
leading some to seek a connection with "stressful" websites
like Slashdot that typically feature high levels of bad
news.

"Before the advent of weblogs, many people didn't know
about all of the bad stuff government and corporations were
up to," explained Dr. Mel Praktiss of the Payola Clinic's
brand new Department of Nerd Neuroses. "Civil liberties
infringements, copyright abuses, privacy violations, 
social injustice, political corruption, corporate
exploitations, and other blood-pressure-increasing problems
largely  go unreported in the lamestream media, but are
heavily emphasized on the Web.  This endless stream of bad
news is simply not good for mental and physical health."

Taco Boy has decided to place a small warning label on the
front page of Slashdot advising users of the potential
health risks of reading too many negative articles.  "This
site featurs [sic] many stories that will likely make you
angry at governments and corporations, and will potentially
increase your stress levels to unhealthy levels," the label
says.  "Please take short breaks after reading negatives
articles and please refrain from hitting reload every five
minutes to catch the latest bad news -- it can wait.
Remember that life will go even if Fritz Holings [sic],
Bill Gates, Jack Valenti, Larry Ellison, and other
do-badders are able to declare total victory..."

We here at Humorix, also worried that one of our three
regular readers might suffer a heart attack as the result
of mistaking a fake story for a real one, have contemplated
putting a warning label on the front page of humorix.org.  

"You simply can't be too careful," argued Humorix Legal
Counsel Noah Morals, Esq.  "Tech websites could go the way
of the tobacco industry if enough lawyers smell blood. 
Just as cigarette companies got slammed for knowingly
marketing dangerous products, folks like Taco Boy could get
creamed for knowingly publishing heart-attack-inducing
stories.  If some lawyer could ever get hands on an email
in which Rob Malda admits to manipulating the level of
addictive bad news on his site to increase hit counts for
the evil Andover Keiretsu, then the entire industry is
doomed.  Humorix shouldn't take any chances."

Noah Morals also suggested that we strive to show the
silver lining of otherwise bad news.  And indeed there is
good news with this story: Big Microsoft could also go the
way of Big Tobacco.  Recent crime statistics show that
"tech rage" incidents are on the increase, and it should
come as no surprise that virtually all of these cases
involve Microsoft products.

"Almost any time somebody takes a handgun or a sledgehammer
to a computer, it's the result of a Windows bug," explained
one police officer who specializes in Tech Rage
investigations.  "Some people can deal with the stress of
crappy Microsoft products by installing Linux.  But many
people let their anger and stress build up until it erupts
into a violent outburst against their computers -- and if
this trend continues, this violence could spread to family
members, computer store salesmen, and even innocent
bystanders."

Several industry pundits have argued that warning labels
should come on certain Microsoft products associated with
high stress levels -- in other words, all of them.  Some
recommendations include "WARNING: This products sucks. 
Side effects of prolonged use include headaches, high blood
pressure, and frequent dreams about strangling Bill Gates."
and "CAUTION: This product greatly exceeds the government's
daily recommended allowance of stress, strain, pressure,
and anxiety.  Do not operate when you are in reach of
firearms, sledgehammers, or other potential weapons."

One industry analyst we interviewed suggested that, at some
point in the future, warning labels would come with their
own warning labels. "We all know Microsoft products suck
and cause headaches, so why insult the user by pointing out
that fact?  Some companies, fearing lawsuits from users
harmed by the original warning labels, might start sticking
on meta-warning labels that say, 'WARNING: The following
warning contains obvious information and might cause some
people to start rolling on the floor laughing, which could
ultimately result in bone injuries or breathing problems. 
You have been warned.'"

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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