[prev in list] [next in list] [prev in thread] [next in thread] 

List:       extremeprogramming
Subject:    Re: [XP] Conversations between Equals (was Re: new article: Hearts as Weapons)
From:       "Victor" <vmgoldberg () earthlink ! net>
Date:       2004-09-30 18:16:02
Message-ID: 071001c4a719$8c3570b0$df58f7a5 () oemcomputer
[Download RAW message or body]

Hi George,

I am mostly with you here, until you get to the CD example with this person
that just happens not to be your wife.

> For instance, say one of these people interprets the words:
>    "Hey, let me fix the CD player, Honey."
> as:
>    "You're incompetent and will break it further."
> instead of the correct interpretation, which is:
>    "Fixing the CD player is a chore for you, and fun for me,
>     so why don't you let me play wi-- fix it?"

For the purpose of the discussion, let's assume the replacement cost of the
CD is not too high.

Many people feel the need to play the role of rescuers, like the boy scouts
that forcefully "help" an elderly woman cross the street, when really she
has no intention to cross it.  Sometimes people need the space to do their
own experiments, and maybe fail.  They don't want our help, and possibly the
best favor we can make them is to be out of the way.  They already know we
are available to help, and they only need to ask.  The time to offer help is
when nothing is happening.

One of the first things we learn in software development in general and in
XP in particular is to accept the fact that we make mistakes and that the
important thing is to find a path to overcome these mistakes, which is also
a learning experience.  We should also accept the fact that other people
make mistakes too, and they need the necessary space to grow.  Otherwise, a
possible path to dependency and control may develop, which is not healthy.

Of course, the validity of this argument is limited to those cases where the
learning environment is safe.  So, as much as we can, it's up to us to
navigate in safe waters.  As usual, communication is of the essence, and
it's best used before we get into these kinds of situations.

When the cost of experimenting is a little higher, like in a shop (or even
in a family), a judgment as to whether this person is valuable in their role
has to be made.  If it is accepted that this person is valuable, then
learning time should be calculated as the necessary cost of doing business
(or having a good family life).

Is the cost is unacceptably high, then a judgment should be made whether to
offer the role to this person at all, in first place.

Victor

====================================

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "George Paci" <gpaci@tiac.net>
To: <extremeprogramming@yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 30, 2004 11:33 AM
Subject: Re: [XP] Conversations between Equals (was Re: new article: Hearts
as Weapons)


> Ron Jeffries wrote (on 28-Sep-2004 at 11:26 AM EDT):
>
>  > A good point. At the same time, I think Jane's translators could use a
>  > little work too. People do say things like that, and they aren't all
>  > attacks. Why do we have to treat this Jane person as if he's made of
> glass?
>
> Oh, I'm with you on that one.  Avoiding blame before all the
> facts are in is about as far as I go in the coddling
> direction.
>
> There is such a thing as being overly sensitive, and there
> are people who make a habit of it (typically without
> realizing it).  There are other people (and I am here in no
> way referring to my wife, should she be reading the XP list
> to try to help her get to sleep) who are only occasionally
> overly sensitive, and this can be dealt with on a
> case-by-case basis, as the situation warrants.
>
>
> For instance, say one of these people (and here, again, I am
> in no way necessarily referring to my wife) interprets the
> words:
>
>    "Hey, let me fix the CD player, Honey."
>
> as:
>
>    "You're incompetent and will break it further."
>
> instead of the correct interpretation, which is:
>
>    "Fixing the CD player is a chore for you, and fun for me,
>     so why don't you let me play wi-- fix it?"
>
> In this case, what's called for is some reassurance about
> the esteem in which the speaker holds the organizatinal and
> other competencies of his listener (who is obviously not,
> all will note, necessarily married to him), followed by
> somebody fixing the CD player, and everybody getting on with
> their lives, especially the parts (such as work) which they
> are currently running late for.
>
>
> In a work situation, of course, it's much harder to wrap
> things up quickly and run off to work, not least because
> it's evident to everyone that you're already there.
>
> I think the best you can do with someone who's consistently
> overly sensitive is to be as fair as you can (e.g. point to
> actual problems and ask about solutions, avoid
> over-generalizing, avoid going ballistic), note the person's
> reactions, and treat them no differently than if they didn't
> have those reactions (e.g. don't avoid interacting with
> them, don't get back at them in subtle ways).
>
> This all, of course, is coming from a recent parent, who has
> to deal with unreasonably emotional behavior in a reasonable
> way on a daily basis ("Oh, kiddo, I know when you can't see
> me it's like I'm gone forever, but I have to grab some food
> from the cabinet behind you or you'll starve."), but I think
> I've thought and acted this way most of my life.
>
>
>  > Ron Jeffries
>  > www.XProgramming.com
>
> --George Paci  <george@rightinternet.com>
>
>  > Do we learn more through cynicism, or through some other mental
posture?
>
>    What are you really trying to do with that sig?
>
>
>
> To Post a message, send it to:   extremeprogramming@eGroups.com
>
> To Unsubscribe, send a blank message to:
extremeprogramming-unsubscribe@eGroups.com
>
> ad-free courtesy of objectmentor.com
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>



To Post a message, send it to:   extremeprogramming@eGroups.com

To Unsubscribe, send a blank message to: extremeprogramming-unsubscribe@eGroups.com

ad-free courtesy of objectmentor.com 
Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/extremeprogramming/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
    extremeprogramming-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
    http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
 

[prev in list] [next in list] [prev in thread] [next in thread]